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dbtcanonStill.
Not all the time. Just going about the day to day and living life is fine, but when I start thinking about this diabetes diagnosis and my experience with this office, I'm just mad to a degree that probably goes beyond reason. Because I just can't stop thinking about that first A1C, with it's 6.6 rating, and the rosy picture my doctor painted for it. Because all I got out of that appointment was that it used to be that number wouldn't be diabetic, and it's only recently that they moved it down to try to catch things early. So I needed to take 3 months to "watch my carbs" and take it again, and if it was high "it doesn't mean you have to prick your finger every day, or anything like that. It just might mean we put you on some medication to get it under control before things get bad."
And you know what's missing from all that? The information that, "Oh, if it's this high on a second test, that's the point at which we say you have diabetes!" ANY guidance on what I should be doing besides "watching carbs" and "exercising more." And look, I know I've got it coming both ways from genetics. I know, expecting to never be diabetic was unrealistic, but it wasn't something I was expecting NOW.
And the really disheartening thing was that when I had my dietitian's appointment (which wasn't offered as a preventive measure, only as a "well, you've got it now, guess we should teach you how to handle it" thing) was that she said outright, there's a window after that first test where things can usually be turned around. During that time when I was making tiny changes because I worried I wouldn't keep up with bigger changes, and had no frame of reference for what could actually create meaningful changes on my labwork.
I think I might not feel so angry right now if I could have gotten all that off my chest with my doctor today. But that appointment was just such a clusterfuck. Because I not only had all that rolling around in my head, I'm also PMS-y and then in the span of 10 minutes they too my blood pressure five times trying to get a good reading, and the last two that the nurse tried before giving up and getting the doctor, the cuff went so tight that it hurt. Not just uncomfortable, but legit was painfully tight. I swear it's a miracle the final reading only ended up being 132/80.
But all that (including using "the big cuff" when it'd never been used before, and I've been losing weight) had me upset to a point that I couldn't really talk about it without being weepy.
And that was misconstrued as I must think life is over or something, because then the doctor launched into the lecture about how tons of people have it worse, and I can totally probably keep it from getting worse if I do all the right things (still defined as "watching my carbs and exercising more"). But if I decide I'm not going to do the right things then blah blah awful."
AND THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I didn't have a disease and now I do. And maybe it's 100 percent manageable with lifestyle changes, but it's still there. No matter how good my blood sugars ever get -- even if they live in the normal range -- it's still a label I have to carry and a statistic I have to be a part of. And so I'm just mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at my doctor's office. I'm mad at the world in general, and it sucks.
Edit after a night's sleep: I feel like I need to be finding a new doctor. Because I don't really expect him to have all the nutrition information I need (that's what the dietitian is for) but I feel like he's not giving me good information at all. And right now he's got me taking my blood sugar three times a week -- I think in some kind of effort to "not overwhelm me" but how does that help me understand what's going on? How does that help me understand how food and exercising and fasting affect my blood sugar? I mean, I guess if I don't mind taking a few months to get a handle on things it's a good idea, but I don't want to take a few months.
So I'm probably going to spend the next couple weeks taking it a bunch. When I get up, a couple hours after a mid-day meal, before I go to bed, and when I figure out what a good time to check it after exercising is, then, too.
Because I don't want to somebody to paint a pretty picture of my future, I want to understand my present.
Not all the time. Just going about the day to day and living life is fine, but when I start thinking about this diabetes diagnosis and my experience with this office, I'm just mad to a degree that probably goes beyond reason. Because I just can't stop thinking about that first A1C, with it's 6.6 rating, and the rosy picture my doctor painted for it. Because all I got out of that appointment was that it used to be that number wouldn't be diabetic, and it's only recently that they moved it down to try to catch things early. So I needed to take 3 months to "watch my carbs" and take it again, and if it was high "it doesn't mean you have to prick your finger every day, or anything like that. It just might mean we put you on some medication to get it under control before things get bad."
And you know what's missing from all that? The information that, "Oh, if it's this high on a second test, that's the point at which we say you have diabetes!" ANY guidance on what I should be doing besides "watching carbs" and "exercising more." And look, I know I've got it coming both ways from genetics. I know, expecting to never be diabetic was unrealistic, but it wasn't something I was expecting NOW.
And the really disheartening thing was that when I had my dietitian's appointment (which wasn't offered as a preventive measure, only as a "well, you've got it now, guess we should teach you how to handle it" thing) was that she said outright, there's a window after that first test where things can usually be turned around. During that time when I was making tiny changes because I worried I wouldn't keep up with bigger changes, and had no frame of reference for what could actually create meaningful changes on my labwork.
I think I might not feel so angry right now if I could have gotten all that off my chest with my doctor today. But that appointment was just such a clusterfuck. Because I not only had all that rolling around in my head, I'm also PMS-y and then in the span of 10 minutes they too my blood pressure five times trying to get a good reading, and the last two that the nurse tried before giving up and getting the doctor, the cuff went so tight that it hurt. Not just uncomfortable, but legit was painfully tight. I swear it's a miracle the final reading only ended up being 132/80.
But all that (including using "the big cuff" when it'd never been used before, and I've been losing weight) had me upset to a point that I couldn't really talk about it without being weepy.
And that was misconstrued as I must think life is over or something, because then the doctor launched into the lecture about how tons of people have it worse, and I can totally probably keep it from getting worse if I do all the right things (still defined as "watching my carbs and exercising more"). But if I decide I'm not going to do the right things then blah blah awful."
AND THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I didn't have a disease and now I do. And maybe it's 100 percent manageable with lifestyle changes, but it's still there. No matter how good my blood sugars ever get -- even if they live in the normal range -- it's still a label I have to carry and a statistic I have to be a part of. And so I'm just mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at my doctor's office. I'm mad at the world in general, and it sucks.
Edit after a night's sleep: I feel like I need to be finding a new doctor. Because I don't really expect him to have all the nutrition information I need (that's what the dietitian is for) but I feel like he's not giving me good information at all. And right now he's got me taking my blood sugar three times a week -- I think in some kind of effort to "not overwhelm me" but how does that help me understand what's going on? How does that help me understand how food and exercising and fasting affect my blood sugar? I mean, I guess if I don't mind taking a few months to get a handle on things it's a good idea, but I don't want to take a few months.
So I'm probably going to spend the next couple weeks taking it a bunch. When I get up, a couple hours after a mid-day meal, before I go to bed, and when I figure out what a good time to check it after exercising is, then, too.
Because I don't want to somebody to paint a pretty picture of my future, I want to understand my present.
